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Quotes by George Carlin
"Life.....is a series of dogs."
By George Carlin
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"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"
By George Carlin
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"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?"
By George Carlin
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"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? "
By George Carlin
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"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? "
By George Carlin
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""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? "
By George Carlin
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"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
By George Carlin
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"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
By George Carlin
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"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."
By George Carlin
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"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
By George Carlin
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"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?"
By George Carlin
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"Keep thy religion to thyself."
By George Carlin
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"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I?m just not close enough to get the job done.""
By George Carlin
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"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
By George Carlin
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"Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."
By George Carlin
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"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
By George Carlin
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"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."
By George Carlin
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"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
By George Carlin
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"Weather forecast for tonight dark."
By George Carlin
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"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."
By George Carlin
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"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
By George Carlin
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"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on thei"
By George Carlin
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"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
By George Carlin
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"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, some"
By George Carlin
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"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight They never mention that part to"
By George Carlin
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